You know when all you want to do is desperately escape and run away as fast and as far away as possible because life hurts so much, well that is how I am feeling right now. I know undoubtedly that I will feel better, because life is like that. But the shit storm of travelling through something you don't want to go through feels like every ounce of blood is being drained out of my body.
I have said before that I am fairly positive despite the hurt that I have felt in the past. But I have well and truly ran out of steam. I don't think I have slept well since December, I am in constant pain because of my fucked up knee, I am financially at a complete loss of what to do. I am having to take time away from work as I am waiting for an appointment with my consultant and mentally do not feel capable of listening to others issues, which is what I do for a job. I feel broken. My hobbies have had to come to a stand still and I am trying my best to move forward from someone that meant a lot to me knowing that they are happy with someone else. I am not where I want to be or indeed where I thought I would be.
I sit everyday in the same spot inside my house, that feels more like a prison when usually my home is my safe haven. And I have actually been in prison, yet some times being here feels more isolating than that.
I am either not eating or eating everything I see. My balance and any kind of escapism and any sight of happiness seems to be slipping away each and every day.
I know that this is just a phase and a storm that I just have to ride and will get better. I know rationally that I will feel better soon and life isn't stagnant, its constantly moving
but right now I am grieving for so many things that I cant physically or emotionally breathe.
Today I know that I need to go and have a shower and brush my teeth, which I will after writing this post, even though I can't be bothered. But the mental health worker in me tells me that I will feel better, which maybe I will, maybe I wont.
The days are long and the nights are even longer. I have said before in previous posts that I am an independent woman who survives but right now I feel like I am at a point in my life that I just want someone to help me. I feel like a child and that I am waiting for an adult to tell me what to do next. But that adult doesn't exist and I am left to fend for myself.
I have so much time on my hands despite doing therapy on myself by beginning new projects.
I guess I feel broken today, tomorrow I might feel semi broken, the day after not broken and the weekend I might feel broken again I want someone to be there for me, to look after me and to want me and to be their world for I have never experienced that from someone, other than my parents, which I am totally grateful for as I know some people don't even have that.
Maybe I am being selfish and have to accept that I will always be alone and never be good enough to hold down an adult relationship. Maybe I have just met the wrong men, maybe its always been bad timing, maybe I am just a total nut job who writes blogs, because the computer screen is the only thing that listens to me and I mean really listens. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and should just pull my shit together and move on and get a bastard grip on my emotions and life. I really don't know.
I sit and wonder how people manage to move on so quickly. Maybe its because they are far more mentally and emotionally equipped than me, maybe it's because they never felt what I felt, maybe they have distractions that never really allow them to grieve, maybe they actually haven't and its just an act, maybe it's a combination, I have no idea. All I know is that right now as I sit hear, feeling like shit and not thinking about the potential better days ahead, I wish the earth would swallow me up.
I have mentioned that I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off, who hasn't had pain and shit, but it is so easily forgotten when you are in a better place, leaving those who are struggling isolated and feelings of burdening real people of how you might actually feel.
If I am honest and I will be, because this blog is all about honestly and feeling unashamed of exploring and expressing your emotions and life events. I have attempted to end my life many times. I do not think I will ever do that again and I do realise now the pain and hurt it inflicts on others. I do however know how very painful those feelings can be when they briefly come into your mind and thinking "it would be so much easier if I wasn't here" Selfishly for me yes but not for those loved ones and I know there are loved ones that I would leave behind. I am not in that place and doubt I ever will be again but it doesn't stop the thoughts.
This all sounds very depressing and I know people would think "well how can anyone love you and be in a loving relationship if you don't love yourself" Well my point is I do love myself. Maybe in the past when I have attempted to end my life, I didn't love myself, but I do now, which is why I am at a loss as to why I continue to feel so much pain and loss. When I am physically well, I mean not having massive issues with my knees, I am able to live the best life I can under the circumstances of not exactly being where I want to be, but it doesn't make me not love myself any less. I actually think I am a beautiful, kind and a pretty strong person.
So why does it come down to me always feeling so alone and love never being reciprocated? I feel so much rejection and dismissal. I am at a loss as to where to turn, what do I have to do to make me shine brighter than any one else? Maybe people would say to get out there and live your life instead of reaching out to the world wide web writing ridiculous posts. Maybe they wouldn't. I know I am not looking for sympathy, I guess I am looking for understanding.
I know there are thousands of people out there who feel the same as me right now, but where the hell are these people? I also know the age old saying of "There are far worse off people than you" which is actually really unhelpful. Having worked in mental health for many years I have learnt to appreciate that every ones difficulties, hurt and pain are no worse or easier than anyone else's because everyone's problems are individual to them and its all relevant.
I just wish someone would give me a break and invest in me and love me. I find myself thinking I know everyone has heart ache but really isn't it my turn now? Maybe the universe is just saying to me this is your life...to live in a fantasy/dream world is a stupid idea, maybe I should be accepting that I should be living in the UK alone, childless, doing a low paid job that exhausts me with stupid arthritic knees. Maybe I should be more grateful for what I do have, which those reading this might think that I am not, but whole heartedly I am more than grateful for what I have. I have wonderful parents, some friends, a home, food, warmth, so much more than others but like I said the individual storm you ride is your storm and still hurts like a mother fucker. Maybe, I am just feeling sorry for myself. I suppose that is ok from time to time.
I will be ok and this is just a phase, I would just like to not have another phase for at least the next 20 years. Because I can put my hand on my heart and say I have had more than the average heart ache and my fair share in the last 20 years.
Please, I ask someone to rescue me, others get rescued and I have rescued myself way too many times, can I not just for once have that given to me in return. Someone to take care of me, someone to respect, value and love me and show me off to the world.
Tomorrow is a new day as I am likely to feel better than I do today. I suppose I want you to know that actually it is ok to have shit day and better ones are just around the corner. Life is a bloody rollercoaster. I hope if you are feeling like me that you know you are not alone and I also hope that if you feel like ending your own life like I have in the past that maybe just maybe just don't react and call out to someone, maybe even write a blog. People do listen, as a mental health practitioner please reach out.
I am just having a bad time right now and hurting a lot, tomorrow will be different, just got to keep the faith. And not a Bon Jovi song playing in sight.
If you are in the UK please contact someone like the Samaritans 116123, if you are in other countries, find support from your local mental health team.