Monday 24 February 2020

My Plan A dream has crumbled...what's my plan B?

I sit and think about my future and when I say my future, I'm not thinking years a ahead I'm thinking more short term like the next 6 months for a start...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I want from life. What I truly wanted hasn't and isn't happening for me and I'm having to come to terms with this plan, lets call it plan A, potentially never happening. My plan A dream may never come and it's drifting further away. 

I don't know what other plan there could be? I never made a back up plan or plan B.

I'm so fixated on my play A I never gave a thought that I'd need another option.

Ok, so my plan A was to meet a man, get married and have kids. Sounds simple right. Yes, the conventional world of settling down. But I've not got anyone to do this with. 

So now what??????? 

I have thought about travelling but it wasn't truly my dream. It's just that I feel that's all there is left for me. Not a bad plan but not my first choice.

I mean I'm not sitting alone night after night in Birmingham having a crappy career, hardly any friends, minimal social life and sitting on my own forever. So travelling seems like the only other option. 

But when it's the unconventional and a potential plan B I didn't exactly want how do I get psyched for it? When my heart still longs for my plan A? 

When did being an adult get so difficult? 

I hear girls in their 20s and 30s saying they just want a plan A after experiencing heartache but even that makes me feel shitty because they have time. 

I feel like I have no time. Even if I did find the "one" who wants to grow old with me. If we were lucky enough to have a baby, these things take time. 

By that point all my friends will be living more Independant lives because their children will be growing up whilst I will be at sleepless night and nappy stage. I'd probably find myself not fitting in because most the other new parents would be young. 

I never seem to fit. I'm very adaptable to different environments, I've had to be, but I'd just like to fit in with the "normal" crowd for once.

It's like I literally can't see the wood for the trees. And as I think about this I reflect upon all the men that left and are doing my plan A with someone else, generally younger. 

So what's a girl to do?... How do I successfully let go of my plan A, the dream I've had my entire life and swap it for another plan?

How do I get excited about something new and a plan B? 

Turns out It looks like I'm probably going to have another couple of "Practice Wife" notches on my bed post. What is so wrong with me? Why do none of them want me? Why do they leave for someone younger and prettier? Well that's obvious I suppose, why have an over done, hard crispy egg yolk when you can have a juicy yellow runny one? 

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. 

The last hope I had of maybe my dream happening has well and truly disappeared for he is doing my plan A with someone new. Well in fact they all are. 

Do I continue to grieve for the loss of plan A never happening and hope someone comes up with a plan B for me. Or do I hope plan A still has a chance? 

I can't make such decisions. 

I feel like I'm loosing my mind. How do you make another choice when my hearts not in it? 

I am likely to opt to travel at some point which is exciting but it's just not quite as exciting for me as living with your soul mate, getting potentially married and growing a baby in your womb until you finally get to hold someone so precious. How do I convince myself of that? 

I feel so unbelievably empty and lost. I'm like a washed up broken shell on the beach who's insides have washed away. Hollow and pointless.

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