Tuesday 11 February 2020

Public Emotion

So today I've had to venture outside of the prison walls I call home as I need to go to the building society to discuss my finances. I have walked through crowds of people, I'm limping due to my knee pain and I feel like I'm observing some kind of movie of my life. Feels so surreal and uncomfortable. Like an outter body experience, watching my every move from a movie lense.

The brief eye contact I make with others feels painful, I always say that the eyes are a way of seeing into a soul. I feel like everyone who glances at me can see the pain In my eyes. It's like a feeling of being totally naked and vulnerable in public. 

Either that, or the lack of sleep, tear stained face, puffy, swollen black eyes, dishelveled hair is a huge giveaway. I look like a wreck. 

As I look around I see and hear things that somehow trigger painful emotion inside me. I am trying so hard to keep the tears at bay, but this causes my facial expression to wrinkle in such a way it's obvious I look upset. Trying to make it into a semi forced smile at passers by. I feel like I'm in slow motion and the world and everyone in it is speeding past me at a million miles per hour. 

My heart is racing, I feel sick. Everywhere I look people are busying through their day. I wonder how many of them also feel like crap? Probably more than I think. Who else is holding back the tears and fighting to breathe?

I sit and wait to have my "skype" appointment, I watch the que forming in the building society, people paying bills, paying in and taking out cash whilst I try and numb my hearing from the songs playing in which every word feels like it's describing my life. Like I'm in some weird Truman Show or something.

I eventually have 45 minutes to chat to a guy the other side of the computer screen. He politely asks me how I am and how can he help me. Too which I feel like breaking down in tears and saying "I don't know exactly,  please help me I'm dying here, make this pain stop" But instead I semi smile and day " ok thanks, I'd like to look at a new mortgage" I felt like screaming out and shaking the massive screen he appeared in, I chose to sit and listen about my options. 

As the meeting comes to an end the screen goes blank and he disappears, not too different to the people in my life. They engage in conversation one minute and gone the next. Isn't it strange how things seem ok and you feel happy then wham a massive slap in the face. Knowing only a few weeks ago you were doing things you enjoy and spending time with the people you love.

As I stumble and limp back to the car, my knee burning in pain I have to make a real effort not to just lie on the floor in a heap and sob loudly. My eyes sting trying to suppress the tears, the lump in my throat is stopping the air flow. My head pounds, I feel like someone has a hold of my stomach in a vice and is squeezing it pushing on my diaphragm making me gasp for breath. I cannot wait to get home. 

I'm surrounded by shops advertising love, hearts and romance as it is soon to be Valentine's day. Something I'm not overly a big fan of and actually think it's just hyped up commercial bullshit because if youre in love it should be celebrsted everyday not just once a year but I suppose somewhere in me has that sadness and longing that the man of my dreams would just whisk me away and tell me everything is going to be alright. 

My mind starts to over think about the person I cared for most and how they will be spending Valentine's with their new love. I feel sick, like I could vomit at any minute. That sense of rejection and knowing someone is getting what I want and knowing she was a better option destroys my soul. Questionning myself       "what was wrong with me?"

I have to escape from here, as I make my way back home in the silent car only the sound of wind. I cannot face music for the fear of it triggering memories and emotions I'm too exhausted to have. I feel relief not to be subjected to those triggers as I sit in silence and wearily drive home on auto pilot.

I thought being out of the house might help and lift my spirit but actually it turns out I couldn't wait to return to the security of what felt like a prison cell only a few hours ago. 

It's like I don't want to be anywhere, well at least for too long. No where feels safe, no where feels relaxed. I feel restless and sick. I know it's my state of mind and not the places but I wish it would pass. 

Trying to be happy for someone else when you feel like you're collapsing under a tonne of bricks is a challenge. 

Sometimes I wish I could feel numb and not have emotion.

I pray for peace and respite from my thoughts, for distraction I sit and watch the dynamics in my tropical fish tank. I wonder if they feel emotion? I kind of hope they don't but I suppose emotions are great if they are warm and fuzzy. I'd like to hope my fish can feel those positive emotions, perhaps they do as I complete the morning ritual of talking to them as I feed them. 

But with positive always comes a negative just look at batteries and screw drivers! Whoever invented them must have been deluded, wouldn't it be nicer to have just had positives? I suppose it all comes back to balance. Maybe this rollercoaster I'm on will eventually balance me back out as we require a combination of good and bad? 

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