Sunday 9 February 2020

A prayer to whoever

I am unsure if praying Is the right choice of word, as maybe it would be hypocritical of me to use it as I feel ambivalent regarding religion and I'm unsure who exactly I would be praying too. I guess I am more of a spiritual being but do try to practice some of my morals from certain religions. I always used to say my religion is like how Mufassa from the Lion King describes the circle of life to Simba. Those of you who have no idea who Muffasa or Simba are. It's a Disney film set on the Savannah, Muffasa is the king of Lions, head of the pride land and Simba is his new bundle of joy who he is teaching about life and death.

As for prayer, I am at a point in my life when I feel that it might be the only thing that can help, god knows, (excuse the pun) I have tried various other things like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, counselling, self help, endless amounts of articles online, The Secret, Talking to friends/family, fortune tellers, everything. Yet I am still stuck. 

I genuinely believe I am a good person and deserve to feel a connection with someone. I have just been unlucky. Life is a massive lesson and I am learning everyday and I have learnt more about myself in the last 3.5 years than I ever thought I would. I reflect a lot nowadays and it seems to give me more clarity which in itself makes a refreshing change.

I have had bouts of depression and anxiety on and off, troubled by various life events. But who hasn't nowadays? Life is one big rat race of fast paced living and it appears everyone caught up in it is too busy, too stressed and got their own problems going on. All of these attribute to a very lonely society. Too busy to smile at the person in the street, too caught up in our own minds leading to not having time to care for "thy neighbour" as we are all entangled in a spiral of me, myself and I.

I am currently in a place I don't wish to be, both mentally, physically or logistically, as a mental health worker I understand how to do all the right things to enable me to feel a bit better, which I do and does help to a degree.

We all know that time is the only thing that heals anything, yet time is the most precious thing we have, time is short and should not be wasted, it is a double edged sword. We want time to pass to feel better, yet we don't want time to pass as we run out of it. The storm is hard for most of us and at times feels like the ship is sinking. 

Currently my ship is gradually filling with more and more water as I head further into the ocean not seeing any land around me. 

Some days the wind and rain stops and a ray of sunshine peeps through the dull clouds, very occasionally the real me appears in form of the colours of a rainbow but more often than not the rain clouds take over and it is dark, cold, wet and lonely once more. 

I describe myself as a rainbow, as I am a walking paradox, which like a rainbow is a contradiction in itself, unsure whether it prefers the sunshine or rain. Ok, so I definitely prefer sunshine and actually feel crappy when the rains come but I also tell myself we need rain to grow too. Colour is my thing, I wear colourful clothes, my home is colourful. Colour is important to me. In fact I have a multi-coloured cardigan and I've been wearing it to slum in the past few days, the comments I have had are "It's so you", "You look like a French primary school teacher" "you look like a children's TV presenter" and finally "Alright Joseph"...yes I know I have a technicoloured cardigan, very funny!!!

The position of my ship/life feels mid Atlantic at the moment and wondering if I might see a glimpse of sunshine or land again. 

I cannot avoid the storm, I cannot quickly sail through it, I cant go around it, I cant go back, I have to just sit and ride the waves and weather having no idea what direction I am going in or where indeed I will end up. At times I just spin around in circles not going in any direction, making my journey longer, more exhausting and frustrating.

So I have decided that the powers that be; what or whoever they are need to pull their finger out and provide me with some support. The universe, The energy, The angels, The holygrails (although I have met one of those already so don't count that one), The Lion King Muffassa, The guru, who or whatever it or they are I need them to guide me, as I have ran out of ideas and steam.

I wish that in my tiny, insignificant, unimportant existence within this world I could pray for all those all too familiar emotions to subside. My strength is wearing out. My life has felt too much depression, anxiety, self doubt, loss, grief and pain. 

I know that you have to find your own happiness and not rely on others. In my entire adult life I have had enough heartache to last me a life time. Considering all this I generally feel a happy positive person who always dusts herself off and starts again.

I consider myself to be an independent woman who does survive alone. Which is a real positive thing. I know some people would never dream of solo travel, eating out alone, doing activities alone, living alone and surviving alone. In fact I do everything alone! I am more than capable of doing all of these things and do everyday and in fact it don't even bother me, I happen to like my independence.

However, I find myself so stuck that I am feeling that too much independence is actually damaging my soul. Too much of anything is bad for you, I require balance and that requires some input from someone else.

I am struggling to continue to dust myself off and get up again. Every time I experience pain, it just seems to get harder. Yeah sure I can put a smile on it and minimise how I am actually feeling to spare others feelings but right now this act is getting harder. 

I am finding it harder to pick myself up. I pray for strength to carry on. I pray for sight and to be shown the light once more as my eyes have fallen upon darkness.

My milestones in life have come and gone with nothing to anchor myself too. The door continues to close on me, no matter how hard I try to prop it open. I feel blind and suffocated.

I am content being alone but to make my life grow and flourish, like a plant, I require watering and nurturing. Humans are not isolated creatures.  I require connection, to provide me with additional contentment. Something that might only exist in fantasy but for me I feel it would complete my life. I am exhausted from being a lone wolf in this draining fucked up world. I can handle it alone and do, through no choice, but for once I would love a connection by my side saying "you got this". When times are hard, just having that special connection would be awesome.

Being independent is tough, for once I would love someone to help me make decisions or have an input, to book that holiday, to pay half the bills, to ask me how my day was, to have great sex with, to decide what to cook, basic things but this is not exhaustive list and there are so many more serious things I would like support with. I know many people do have someone for that and more often than not it can feel more of a hinder. The grass is always greener right? But for me, I want that, I need that. I deserve that, or at least a shot at it. I've done my time of being an independent women and I'm done with it, of course I wouldn't suddenly become needy with no opinion, good god no! I want an addition to grow with.

I pray to be loved, I pray for a connection, I want to embrace it with open arms.

I pray to find the courage to free myself from what feels like bitterness creeping in, which is so far removed from who I really am. I swore I would never end up a bitter, jealous person but it is slowly and sadly creeping in, which scares me to death as that just isn't me. I do not want to be that person. So I pray to free me from this suffering and provide me with peace, faith, luck, love and a strong powerful connection. 

Allow me to accept that my path isn't the one I thought I'd have and guide me to a new and even better adventure.

I pray for warmth, honestly and love, for I have so much love to give....

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