Wednesday 15 January 2020

The Practice wife

I have had numerous long term relationships in my adult life. In hindsight none have them have worked out mainly because of the lack of connection and every single one of the relationships has ended badly.

A general theme was that after several years the man seemingly gets bored and states "I am not ready for commitment" To my surprise this lack of commitment on their part becomes something I start to think is a get out clause because actually every single man I have had a long term relationship with has either had an affair or immediately jumped into a brand new relationship.

The crazy part is that every single one of them went on to commit to this new flame and had children with, lived with, got married to or all of the above. Which leads me to question the dumping declaration of " I am not ready for commitment". 

For years I have had doubts in my mind that it must be me, I must drive men away, I must be a bad person, I am not attractive, funny, kind or sexual enough. But what I have more recently started to believe is that actually I was their practice wife! 

Even in the most horrific relationships I have had, no matter how badly they have treated and disrespected me I have always tried to see the good in them and forgive. 

I am in no way saying I have indeed been the perfect girlfriend, because no body is perfect and I too have traits that aren't always positive but I am human and we all have them. I can be quite sharp tongued when I want to be but I am usually ridden with guilt by what I have said and then apologise immediately. I can also be a bit anal with being organised, organised chaos more like! But one thing is that I can be a very thoughtful, passionate, kind and overall loving girl. 

It seems that they learn to grow from a boy into a man when they are with me and once the cycle of metamorphis is over they fly away leaving me battered and bruised from quite often mental and sometimes physical abuse they have caused me. Each relationship ending with my self esteem being dragged through a bush backwards.

One thing I am known for is not treating the next partner badly by taking the previous partners behaviour out on them. Each man is a separate person and I go into the next relationship with passion and hope and certainly no bitterness. This does not seem to get me anywhere.

I have had counselling for many of the relationships, read self help books and spoken to loved ones and the common question I get asked is "Do you go for a certain type" Now having had a lot of reflection on this subject I can honestly say "no" each and everyone of them are different in their own way. They look different, have different hobbies, different attitudes and traits but maybe just maybe the thing that they might have in common is that they take me for granted because I am too nice. I have often thought if I was a bitch and hard faced that I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am in now. But I can't change the way I am and I shouldn't have to.

I have never been treated the way I treat them. I can be very romantic and thoughtful but never really seem to get that in return. I think now in hindsight, it comes down to connection. Retrospect is fabulous and I am not quite sure why I put quite so much effort into the relationships as I did. I think for me that when I invest in something I do my best to make it work. I can be very strong willed but I clearly was just flogging a dead horse and should have just let them go way before they cheated, lied and left me broken.

They are all now either with or have since divorced the women they left me for. Now I am older it doesn't really surprise me as I have come to learn that people really do not change their behaviours, values, and morals. People can simplify, manage and tone down these processes but they will always be in there like a personal fingerprint. 

Sometimes we out grow the other person. More often than not the men I have been with have wanted me to change in some way and if I am honest I wished I could have changed  certain things about them too. But it is impossible to change someone else. If we cant accept, tolerate and learn to nurture the traits we aren't so keen on we will always be unhappy. Potentially this is when the grass might seem greener! This is why connection in a relationship is so very important. I think a way to keep on track and keep the grass nurtured, green, watered and loved is to value the relationship, warts and all.  I think It comes down to 3 simple things...
  • Communication
  • Sex
  • Humour
By keeping a check on these 3 things it will instil acceptance, respect, trust and value to your relationship. But doing it is easier said than done. If you are willing to invest in these things then it might just work and if it doesn't then I would hope that the relationship would end amicably and gracefully. 

Those 3 things didn't appear in my relationships and 2 out of 3 isn't good enough for a relationship to survive. 

My thoughts and beliefs on being a practice wife are starting to slowly improve and I'm not taking it as personally anymore.  I may have been a practice wife, but I am now starting to believe that they have been my practice husbands.....

Whether I ever meet a man who wants to take me as his soul mate (I prefer that to wife) I will never know.

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