Monday, 13 January 2020

About Me....

Welcome to Feeling Lost....

I decided to start writing simply because I thought I'd share my life experiences. Over the years I have found some comfort in reading other people's blogs and articles when I start to feel like my life isn't going quite right. I have typed numerous emotions, situations and questions into google and hey presto as if by magic there are thousands of people I instantly feel connected to on some level because they too are asking about the same subjects. I am wowed by how similar peoples thoughts and emotions can be and suddenly I don't feel quite so alone in this big wide world, albeit the other side of a computer screen with people having random alias names. So my aim is for someone to hopefully feel comfort from my words when searching for blogs and articles on "Feeling Lost"

Why I chose the name "Feeling Lost". Two reasons really. Through out my adult life, particularly the last few years, I have felt a considerable amount of mixed emotions. I have, at times, felt so lost in where my life is and could potentially head, it has caused me some discomfort. The only way I can describe my feelings is lost. Not knowing which path to choose. Feeling like the road I'm travelling on is made up of consistent cross roads. Now I know most people feel this at intermittent times in their lives. But for me, I have felt lost most of my adult life.

The best way I can describe it is feelings of being out of place and like I have never quite fitted in. Whether that be with my nuclear family, friends, acquaintances, social groups or work. I have never felt totally at ease or complete. I am not saying that I have always felt that way, but a large percentage of the time I have. I have had glimpses of how it might feel to belong and fit in but I feel I never really made the grade.

I often have felt like I was running for the bus and I missed it whilst I watch everyone else go off on the bus to pastures new. I know it doesn't always matter if you don't get the bus, I mean there are other ways to travel; plane, bike, train, boat but time and time again which ever mode of transport I attempted to catch, I always seem to miss it, resulting in me wondering around aimlessly feeling lost. A simple yet effective analogy I know!

The second reason why I chose the name was pure and simply because I have the worst sense of direction imaginable. How I have managed to travel solo is a miracle in itself, especially as my map reading skills are atrocious!

So there you have it. Welcome to my very own website! Please note, no direction will be provided, you don't want to feel anymore lost now do you! It is just a cathartic release for me to share and maybe for you to enjoy and be inspired to do the same.

So a little about me:

My name is Miss Snikpoh, I was born In September 1978 In Birmingham in the UK. I have lived in the UK all my life. I grew up in a family unit that consisted of my parents and 3 sisters and 1 brother with various rabbits, guinea pigs, fish and even a tortoise. 

My mum had me at the grand age of 39, which back in 1978 was considered quite rare. At the time of being born the local hospital actually asked my parents if they could film the birth for a documentary for the BBC called  "Happy Birthdays". Which too back then was uncommon; unlike nowadays when children are being born all over the TV, shows like One Born Every Minute, these shows have some how taken the magic and stardom away from me being on the big screen! Ok, ok it was probably a 10 inch TV, if in fact they had one at all! Regardless, It was filmed and aired and all my school teachers whilst growing up commented on it, oh the embarrassment! A massive thanks goes out to my parents for luckily agreeing to not film the part when I was actually sneezed into the world by my mum (well she had given birth many times before me!...sorry mum!) I am not sure I could have coped with all the trauma of re visiting my own birth....you forget it for a very good reason, perhaps that is why the kids today have so many problems, it stems from them witnessing their own births....but that is for another story. So yes I arrived into the world with an audience to say the least. Looking all grey with wrinkly feet and quite a squished nose.

My siblings were much older than me. The eldest was my sister who was 15 years older, the next one up from me was a sister who was 7 years older and the other sister and brother fitted somewhere in between those. I am not going to go into much detail about the dynamics of my nuclear family, sadly, we aren't a particularly close family and how I feel about them and how I am sure they feel about me could be covered by many blogs but that is for another time.

I went to primary school, middle school and high school. I finished my GCSE'S in 1995. I then went onto a local college, followed by apprenticeships, an open university foundation degree and finally a post grad at university, with copious amounts of online, night school type courses that didn't really mean anything! Academia never really came naturally to me and I was always considered an average student. I'm sure if I could have been half arsed to actually do any kind of revision I might have done a little better. But, I was never really into excelling myself, I suppose I did the bare minimum to get by. I haven't changed really! Maybe that is why I am writing a blog called Feeling Lost...or maybe not?

I have worked my entire adult life in an attempt to try and make people feel better, sometimes successfully other times maybe not. Professionally I have ducked in and out of working for the NHS to which in this day and age feels a bit of a task in itself. I've never considered myself a career woman and haven't really much passion to pursue a heavy career with any regard to status. I am quite a simple soul and can often think that my favourite job I ever had was working in a local convenience store as a cashier when I was at college. Was that down to my age and lack of responsibility or just because of the simple fact it was easy? I'm not too sure. I guess this comes back to my lack of excelling myself... who knows?

I was diagnosed with bi-lateral grade 4 knee arthritis at the age of 25, having had countless operations from the age of 18. It doesn't run in my family. My consultant says it is wear and tear. I must admit I was a sporty type growing up. Always on my push bike or running around playing. I mean who played cross country for fun?! I ran for the county and excelled at school with sprinting, long distance (cross country), gymnastics and long jump. All very high impact sports and back then the footwear wasn't what it is now. My consultant has been saying since the age of 25 that I have knees of a 70 year old... so god only knows what they are an equivalent to now! I suffer every day and many people do not know how severe they actually are as I try not to make a fuss. I live in pain every day but rarely moan about it. My consultant has always asked me how the hell I live the life I do in so much pain with such bad knees. But I simple say "just got to get on with it" Amazingly I think I actually now have quite a high pain threshold. Unfortunately there is not much they can do for me, as I am too young for a knee replacement. My range of movement is quite limited and does restrict me from doing certain activities and movements but hey got to plod on through. I do sometimes think perhaps they could just cut them off and I could have bionic legs....that way I could run again and I could also ask to be a bit taller! However, I have these knees so just got to get on with it and do the best I can.

I have had periods of contentment, joy, feeling lost, sadness, anxiety, loneliness and very low points in my life. Coupled with a lot of heart ache, mistakes, loss, fun times and general impulsive random escapades....but who hasn't?

Today, I find myself single (although had endless accounts of failed relationships and dating site dates). I have a job, which I am wondering if I actually truly have the energy for anymore. I am childless, which in itself I am a curious breed amongst my social circle and I suppose if I am honest heading for, if not already in mid life. Let the crisis begin...!

Please note that my written words that I post in "Feeling Lost" will be in no particular order and will flit from various stages and experiences in my life. I mean if I was starting at the beginning I would be writing a biography right ? and as you've already guessed I am not one to excel myself and quite frankly a book seems like way too much hard work. So here goes, I hope you find my words a comfort, provide the odd smile and maybe even give you some wisdom or hope... or is that just wishful thinking?! Perhaps you too could embark on helping me out and giving me some guidance, I mean after all, we are all on this planet only once, It is good to be kind.

Excuse the typos, Let the typing commence....

With balanced thoughts, warmth and peace. Au-revoir, Ciao Ciao x

If you would like to chat about any of the content written, please feel free to drop me a line at miss.snikpoh@yahoo.com 






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