Why is it when I need to sleep I must have darkness? In fact I like it that dark, the room I sleep in has blackout curtains and I also wear an eye mask to prevent any unwanted light seeping in through the cracks of the curtain and disturbing my already light sleep that I have each night.
But the moment I am upset and distressed the very thought of sleeping in a dark room scares the life out of me. When feeling this way the darkness makes me feel vulnerable, alone and abandoned.
Perhaps it comes from night terrors. I've suffered with night terrors for years. The only relief and comfort I get at those scary times is to be in the light and sleep with the light switch firmly on.
I have had the same night terror for years and unless you have ever experienced night terrors will not appreciate how scary they are. They make nightmares feel like a Disney film. My night terror is reoccurring and is always the same thing.
Last night was one of those nights... I was extremely upset.
As I crawled into bed following an extremely sad phone call I had with someone I really care about. This person who has suffered through the years, similar to me, of mental health difficulties and has recently lost his mother where she passed away suddenly in her sleep.
The last 5 months have been extremely difficult for him and his family. We have become extremely close and I consider him to be the most special person I have known for a while.
Recently we have become attached not only in an emotional way but a physical way too. He became my special someone.
Other than the French/Portuguese man I had a connection with, he has been the only one I have had a great connection with as an adult.
I know that we both understand one another and have total respect for each other in the most non judgmental way. In fact I really didn't think I would ever find someone who lived in my own country that I might even consider allowing into my heart. But I allowed him in, even though I was petrified of being hurt.
I cant even imagine how difficult his life is right now. He is not only coping with the passing of his mum and everything that goes with the death of a parent but dealing with other demons.
To be able to engage in a healthy relationship requires the right amount of mental capacity and resilience and with out this it is likely that the relationship might suffer in some way if we allow it to.
For him the timing isn't right and having another person to satisfy the needs of takes time and effort. Something he feels incapable of doing right now. He explained to me that he wished so much that he could and re assured me that he has never met such a wonderful, kind and caring women, but he wants to be able to reciprocate that but hasn't the strength right now and unsure when he will.
He is doing all he can to try and gain resilience and strength by going to therapy, taking medication but anyone who has suffered with grief and mental illness knows that this transition doesn't happen overnight. This process takes time, no matter how much you might want it.
So as I lie in bed with the light firmly switched on, I feel less lonely as when the light is off. Should I revert back to being a child and maybe have a lullaby?
"Do you know any lullabies?"
"I know one but I had forgotton the words"
"I'd still like to hear it"
I wonder if he struggles in the darkness? Or anyone else for that matter? Why is it that when the darkness comes and the light is turned off it feels more of a lonely place.
Perhaps for others the darkness is solace and actually more of a comfort but for me if my light is on at night whilst in bed it usually means that I am suffering.
When will I feel able to turn my light off once more? For that I do not know the answer to, no different to how he might feel in terms of feeling better mentally.
Time is the only thing in life that makes things better but time is the one thing we have limited amounts of. If I turn my light off will I sleep again or should I allow myself this time to sit in the light and not feel scared? I opt for the second option. The light being on wont be forever but for now, it is what I need.