Well that is me and my situation. I did not want to walk away but I had no choice as I wanted to respect that person's wishes and allow the person the head space to grieve without any feelings of guilt that whilst he is in the dark place cant provide me with what he believes I deserve.
It is a love unlived and it sucks...
The conversation was intense. The tears in both our eyes as we sat touching hands and every now and then a deep hug which I did not want to let go from. His strong arms holding me. I always felt so safe. But now that has gone.
Starring into one another's water logged eyes as we spoke of our feelings, demons and grief was so powerful but the sadness was overwhelming.
Grieving is complex and effects people in so many different ways. There is no right or wrong and no time scale, in fact does grief ever go? I don't think it does it just gets easier to manage and cope with.
Right now his priority is taking care of his 2 sisters, sorting out his late mum's affairs whilst working all hours god sends to make ends meet and trying to just about stay afloat mentally. He is doing all he can and I am so proud of him. He has started anti depressants and engaging in therapy. But the only thing he has any remaining space for is himself, which is so important to enable him to heal. This of course I understand but for me, selfish as it might seem, this has left me feeling broken and so very sad.
They say time is a healer but as I've mentioned in other posts...time might heal but time is in limited supply. Our time on earth is short and some peoples time is sadly shorter than others. He of all people should understand this as his mum was only 59 who died suddenly in her sleep. I cant even comprehend how traumatic this must be for him and his family. It must be heartbreaking returning home every night after work to the home where your mum passed away. He had moved in with his mum and gave up his flat to support her following the separation of his parents after 36 years, another massive recent loss.
My heart aches for him and his pain but also for me and the unlived love. No one knows how things could have panned out but being unable to try and be stunted by growth at the very start feels so unfair especially when the feelings are mutual and so strong on all levels.
I have only felt this twice as an adult. The French/Portuguese man I speak about in other posts and now this man.
This sounds so selfish as he is in hell right now grieving for his mum but I feel guilty grieving for him and what could have been for us.
Not being able to contact him and see him, even to ask how he is doing is going to feel impossible. I told him that the only way I can respect his wishes and allow him time to grieve and not contact him is to block him on a messaging service and once I feel less sad I will return. I do this out of fear of not being able to suppress the urge of wanting to contact him. Of course I could still call him but this is something I am less likely to do.
Contacting someone struggling is something that comes naturally to me. If someone you care about is hurting you are there for them. And this is something he too believes, which is why he cant give me what I deserve right now. He knows that he can always reach out to me, but he is a private, proud man and I know that he won't. He told me that he hasn't even responded to some of his closet friends messages since his mum passed. I guess I should be thankful for the limited time we did have together.
We met at the beginning of August 2020 but sadly his mum passed away not long after. A massive sadness to happen at the start of any relationship. I felt for him. But as we both knew the connection was strong between us and rare nowadays. I stayed open to him. Since that time we have grown and got to know one another very well in every way possible. Knowing and understanding each others values, beliefs fears and struggles. Its almost like grief and having a strong bond/connection fast forwards emotions about one another.
As he often looked my in the eyes and stroked my hair he frequently told me that he liked me just as I am. Being forever the romantic, I felt like Bridget Jones being told this by Mark Darcy for the first time. He did nothing but praise me and say the nicest things. Things I never really had in my long term relationships.
He knew of my past and all the things I had been through and never once judged me. It was like he had a real true understanding of the pain I had suffered and he too had suffered along the way. I felt at times like he was the male version of myself.
"To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other, To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world...." (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) (Alley Cat)
A very special factor for me was that he was very aware of how I felt about children. Having made the decision to come off the contraceptive pill after such a long time. I wasn't sure how this might effect us and our intimacy. We discussed this and he was happy to continue what we had without using any contraception. For me this was massive. To have a man to actually take that risk with me knowing that it could or could not change our lives totally. I have been on the contraceptive pill for 26 years and coming off the pill was indeed a huge thing for me. He was so supportive and seemed to actually understand a woman's cycle far more than I did, he said it was growing up with 2 sisters!
Of course nothing happened, which at this time is probably for the best but I also now have this double sadness of not only having to be apart from the man I care for but grieving from knowing that the potential of maybe even having children with him has just gone. It might not have ever happened and certainly wasn't planning on it but just knowing that there could be a slight chance did give me some hope, something no man has ever wanted to do before.
I know he is breaking from the grief of loosing his mum but I am breaking from loosing any hope that I might have actually had something special.
I am unsure of life right now. I feel like I am grieving for the unlived love for him, the child that I am unlikely never to bare, the loneliness of all of my friends being on different paths with having families of their own and to put the nail in the coffin the fact that I have zero outlet for this as we are in a national lockdown. The gym which is usually my savior and coping strategy has gone and yes being a therapist I know what I can do to help myself but the process of actually doing it feels too tough right now.
This man was so in tune with me on every level and we even spoke of our thought processes and how we can both experience from time to time unhelpful thinking errors; the should and musts, over generalising and catastrophising. Having that emotional intelligence was so very important for us both, we just got each other.
I feel an overwhelming urge to be with him and sail this storm with him, partnerships aren't always smooth sailing and you have to take the great times and difficult times together....but instead I find myself drowning in my own tears.
Some people might say it wasn't meant to be, some say I am unlucky and others refer to it as bad timing. What ever it is I have a massive sense of injustice. Two people have a connection but grief stops it in its tracks, a love unlived. All the things we spoke about wanting to do together have gone. In my experience when things come to an end it is usually because you and the other person often no longer like each other in that way but that simply isn't the case which somehow makes it just so sad and unfair.
Last night we spoke of how we will miss each other and that we want each other to take care and not engage in unhealthy behaviours. We both wished that each other could see what others see and how wonderful we both are. I dont necessarily think I am wonderful and people often tell me that I dont see what they do, but doesn't everyone feel like that? I certainly know that this man doesnt see the best of himself and definitely cant see what I see. I feel that he sees himself as he was in the past and not the person he is growing into. The grief he is experiencing is exacerbating some of his feelings that rear their head from time to time. We have both suffered with mental health and I guess times of despair, like loosing a loved one can cause mental health difficulties to arise. Anyone that has experienced mental health difficulties will know that there is no time scale on dealing with this. I just wish I could be with him and be of comfort to him.
I hope he misses me as much as I miss him and looks through our pictures, videos and music playlist but is that selfish of me to hope because he already has enough going on without the additional sadness of missing me? Perhaps he wont as he is already at capacity of missing his mum? Perhaps that makes me a bad person, perhaps it makes me human?
Where do I go from here? I simply just have to be me. I will take each day and battle through like I have always done. I have no doubt in my mind that I will recover and so will he. Will our paths ever cross again? I can only hope so, because hope is all I have left and with out hope what has any one got?
A true love unlived....
"Holding on to hope, my choice, feel no guilt" (Alley Cat)