Wednesday 10 June 2020

Petrified and Grieving

So it has been a while since I last wrote a post...well actually that is a lie, I wrote one at the beginning of the week but for some reason my draft didn't save! So I thought I'd give it another bash today. 

So April was the last time I wrote a post. My reasons for not writing aren't because I haven't anything to say, believe me I have actually had quite an eventful couple of months.

I've not written for the simple fact what I am feeling inside I was really struggling trying to articulate and process myself. I am at a crucial point in my life when decisions really need to be made and the ability to make decisions over the past couple of months has been tough. 

I have realised that I am indeed grieving and the ability to cope with the emotions that come with grief have been difficult to manage. This grief has been with me for some time but I have been trying very hard to suppress it. As a mental health practitioner, I know, not exactly the finest idea I've had to suppress emotion but I suppose if I start to grieve that means with the emotions of grief finally becomes acceptance and that is a place that I am far from currently.

Over the past 2 months, I have soul searched and reflected even more than I usually do but it's like I just cant handle the emotions that are beginning to surface. 

I am officially grieving....grieving for people I've lost, grieving for people I know and care about, grieving for the life I had, grieving for the life I thought I would have, grieving for the mistakes I've made and the sheer impact and consequences that they've had upon my life, grieving for being single, and grieving for being childless......

According to The World Health Organisation (WHO) being single and childless not by choice (basically haven't met anyone suitable to have a child with) is now deemed "socially infertile", yet to be accepted by society all over the world. Leaving women like me grieving for something we will never have.

Over the years I have seemed to manage to move on from failed relationships and go on to  have new ones. But since my departure from someone who meant a lot to me in January of 2020 I now seem to be actually petrified of meeting someone new.

The ability to move on and find someone new before was ok, daunting but generally ok. Many people have some fear and doubt when moving on into the unknown yet they and I still managed to do it. But now, It is like I am absolutely petrified.

I have no idea, if it is because of my age and I am in the process of beginning my grieving journey and finally having to accept that I may not ever be a mother. 

Or whether it is because I am scared of getting hurt or whether its my hormones, maybe it is a combination. 

But what I do know is that it absolutely sucks dicks.

I decided to attempt dating again, jeez that's another story, virtual dating has been the only way of dating since Covid-19 and may I say what a experience that has been.....

I am unsure if it is my fear that is stopping me from wanting to pursue things or gut instincts, potential red flags or all of the above. 

I am 42 in September and not exactly in a rush to settle down and have kids in the next 6-12 months, for these kinds of things take time and for me relationships shouldn't be rushed but wham my biological clock says I have to rush, it is an internal battle. It is horrible situation to be in. 

Younger men want kids but then I have this fear of them dumping me once I have fallen for them as they realise it might not be so easy to have a child with me because my eggs have dried up. (yes that has happened twice now and those are the only ones who were brave enough to admit it, probably loads of other thought it) 

Then there are the men of my age but they often have children and don't really want anymore. I mean I might not even be able to have children, so should I date these men or is that a risk?....In the mean time wasting what might be precious time. 

I've been on the pill since I was 16 years old and my body needs a rest....but coming off the pill could potentially open an entire can of worms if in a relationship. 

Ideally I'd like a man to say he would be ok if it happened or ok if it didn't, That he would be ok either way whether a pregnancy happened or not.  It would certainly take the pressure off but it seems to be far harder to come across such mythical creatures with that state of mind. For it appears to be a straight yes I do and no I don't...

Is it easier to just knock it on the head and start to begin my journey of being single and childless. I had managed to come up with a sort of plan B, as I have written a post on that before but....due to my criminal record, covid- 19 and leaving the EU my plans for travelling haven't exactly had the plug completely pulled but it is far more of a challenge to try and sort out. 

Can you believe that Canada deemed me as inadmissible, well I'm not exactly shocked given the crime, (I thought all countries liked drug dealers.....yes said with dry humour as it is the only way I can look at it right now, and no I am not a drug dealer for the record, just made a mistake)  but even though my criminal record is 10 years spent (UK standards) I am still deemed a risk in not just Canada but other countries. Canada for example stated that I could then apply for independent rehabilitation, which is fine and with great references and employment support no other crimes since and prior to it could go in my favour but here it comes....I have to pay 1000 Canadian dollars for the privilege of them to tell me if I can enter or not, and if not I do not get the money refunded...

So yet again another barrier and another grief and loss of the life I would have liked as my first choice is no longer viable....well now it seems my plan b choice isn't either.

Yes, I know Canada isn't the only place in the world, but as I speak French (badly) and English, it would have been a potential place to live in the future.

But with leaving the EU my criminal record may well affect places closer to home now.

Another problem is the financial aspect of packing up and leaving. I have had lodgers for the past 8 /9 months or so to help me out financially the last one left during lock down and left me in a financial pickle as I relied heavily on his rent and because of not being able to interview potential future lodgers due to covid, I have been unable to get another in his place. It is bad enough trying to interview someone to live with in real life but having to do it by virtual thanks, they might be crazy. So for now I have my house back, which isn't actually a bad thing it just means I have to live on less. But having a lodger or at least interviewing for one is another post all together. 

Having said that about my finances, I am working a 2nd job, doing what I do in the NHS but now privately too, which hopefully will bring in a little more spare cash. This was actually part of my plan B anyway as this second job gives me the ability to do what I do remotely so I can work and travel.

As if working full time isn't enough, I love my job so much I do even more hours.... yeah right! I should be grateful really as in this current climate with covid I realise many people have lost jobs and their income has reduced significantly... but at the moment I am working my ass off when really all I would like to do is bask in the furloughed sun too...

So I am petrified of where my life is going, should I take a risk and date someone who potentially could end up wasting my time and for me or them to feel totally dissatisfied? Or just go with it? Mean while the biological clock is driving me insane.

Being petrified and grieving especially for things I have never had, is a whole new thing. I mean I have grieved due to death and grieved for the loss of relationships ending.....but this is a whole new level of grieving and like with anything, if you haven't been through it you just don't understand. I barely understand it myself.

Sadly, ( for me not them) all of my friends and family have children so no matter how hard they try they just don't understand and end up saying really unhelpful things, as I mention in my childless post. They try but sometimes I just need a hug not advice, but even that has been written off with social distancing. 

So I sit here, alone and my head is a shed if I am totally honest, the sadness, fear and grief is unbearable and I'm unsure whether to take a potential leap of faith or not. Strangely my speaker is playing my "liked" songs on Spotify (thousands of songs on my liked list, all different genres) but seriously as if just came on....D:ream....."Things can only get better" No word of a lie, as I finish my post that tune is playing??????

So what next....?

Spotify you little if...

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