Sunday 5 April 2020

Loneliness....lets all unite...

As I sit here listening to my Spotify playlist I made called "Champions Mardi" the tears start to fall down my cheek as I remember that warm feeling I was having only a few months ago. I made the playlist for someone extremely special to me. The songs all relate to how our "situation" was. 

It was the summer of 2019 and I'd had a pretty tough couple of years and as if out of nowhere someone walked into my life very unexpectedly, he showed me many things and for once in my life I actually experienced a real man. The relationship counsellor I saw actually said it was probably the most adult relationship I had ever had, as she is fully aware of all the failed relationships I have had over the years. 

We were never in a conventional relationship and only saw each other a couple of times a week but somehow it was just right. He made me feel like I had never felt before. He taught me that not all men are wankas and restored my faith.

In January we decided that we had no choice really in ending what ever we had for various reasons. One factor that obviously was a problem was that he lived across the channel in Paris. He was a born and bred Parisian with Portuguese blood, so was duel nationality. 

I am not going to bore you with the entire thing that we shared. As this post isn't directly about him. 

However, once we decided to terminate what we had life became pretty difficult for me as not only was I sad that things had worked out the way they had but I had injured my arthritic knee and it was getting worse. I had to stop my hobbies of the gym, spin had become a massive part in my life. I had to stop drumming as I couldn't bend my knee enough to hold the djembe drum. I had to cancel my salsa lessons and I couldn't work due to the pain. 

As you can imagine my life went from being extremely full, doing all the things I love and seeing someone regularly that complimented my life. To suddenly extremely isolated.

I tell people my knee hurts, but people don't really appreciate how much, simply because they cant see how bad it is. My friends and family are busy with their own lives so suddenly I found myself very alone with way too much time on my hands to think. I am sure you are all aware that is when I found my love for blog writing. 

Anyhow, In March I decided that I would return to work asap and perhaps test the water in terms of meeting the opposite sex. I wanted to try and get back on track despite still being in pain, I longed for normality again and thought it would be the next stage in moving forward with my life. I had started paying for private massage for my knee with a sports therapist and had seen my consultant that had referred me for hydrotherapy. Things seemed to be improving.

This as you can all imagine has taken a back seat as sadly the Coronavirus is a global pandemic. (That's for another post)

Once again I find myself, as well as the entire world in social isolation. You would think I would be used to it as I have spent the past couple of months being exactly that. But now I am finding it even more frustrating and lonely. 

I have actually found the past few years quite isolating as my friends are all settled and on different paths, I've worked from home alone and spent most weekends and evenings alone. But for some reason it just feels worse now.

I miss my life, I was ready to get back to normal. Now I know everyone is now in the same boat and I am extremely grateful I have food, a job and shelter in these uncertain times but I am more lonelier than ever. 

At first I thought people might be more engaging as they are now isolated but in actual fact I think people are busier, well certainly my friends as they are all desperately trying to maintain normality and entertain and home school their children and partners.

I am trying to remain positive and just ride the storm, God only knows I have been through worse, I suppose the selfish me is just thinking "Hang on a minute, I've just spent months being isolated, it's not fair". I have also started to believe that the universe is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I am just destined not to meet my soul mate and be stuck in these four walls! 

At times like this we all need to stick together, Its all over the media that we should all be looking after everyone's mental health at this isolating time but part of me thinks, "Why? I have been isolated for months and hardly anyone really reached out to me", I know selfish and negative of me but I can't help the way I have felt for months and now I feel like I am going through it again.

I miss my Portuguese/Parisian "friend" and the endless chats, laughs and intimacy that we had but am trying to remind myself that it is probably for the best that things ended as at this point of the pandemic I would be concerned as to when I might see him again. Perhaps it was destiny that it ended before all of this Corona virus problem? 

So where to go from here I ask myself, as I am sure the entire world is asking themselves this very question. It is a horrific battle for humanity now and if I am honest, feel quite guilty for the thoughts that I have as I know everyone else is feeling so awful. People are dying, people are loosing their jobs and financial security is unknown, it is a scary time for everyone I am no different.  

I guess my thoughts are to concentrate on work, as my mental health patients will need me more than ever, whether I have brain capacity for it all is debatable, but I am sure I will plod through with the rest of the keyworkers in the world. 

What do I plan to do to keep my sanity? Well as my knee is still injured I do hope that I can get a bit of exercise by gently walking around the block. (Do not under any circumstances attempt to buy a folding treadmill from a social media advertisement, as I did which has cost me money and turns out they are a bogus company. I know I am an idiot for believing it but hey if they are being advertised on a a reputable site like facebook you would think it was genuine. Hey ho, my money has been lost. I have reported them!)

So I will endeavour to start my now online drumming lessons and continue to practice and have french lessons, which is actually improving quite a lot! I will try to take advantage of this time to perhaps be more creative and finally finish knitting my scarf and my painting. I will continue to read and listen to my audible books and do all the things I have learnt to do having been isolated for some time already. These are all great practical things but I guess, for me the the main thing that I am missing and have missed for a while is human touch, contact and meaningful conversation. 

I miss having someone to hug, never have I so much longed for human touch or that special person to talk to. Hence why I am sobbing to my playlist, as it reminds me of special times where I felt comfort and warmth. 

I think in these uncertain times having someone by your side must feel easier, albeit I am sure couples all over the world are feeling annoyed having everyone around them 24/7! But I would take that for someone by my side any day of the week, but grass is always greener right? As I am sure some of my friends would do anything to be isolated without the kids and partner in tow right now. But for me I have been so lonely for so long, knowing that I have no idea when I might get the opportunity to meet someone to hug is ripping me apart. I am also not taking away from people who are in relationships and feel extremely lonely, we all feel it in different ways. I am just speaking of my experience and isolation and loneliness. I guess we all have to be kind to one another.

I cant even hug my parents or my dog, who is with my parents who are still my nuclear family. I know so many other people feel the same, which is why I write these blogs really, not only does it help me to express how I feel I hope that others might read it and can relate and not feel so alone.

I know I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself but sometimes I just wish obstacles would stop coming at me. Just as things begin to go right then wham knocked back down. I understand that life is like that, I am no different from anyone else but seriously someone please just give me a damn break!

Loneliness sucks massive dicks....

Be patient little one, your time will come..... Just have faith, trust and pixie dust....

I do hope that anyone feeling isolated and lonely can reach out, you can contact me, my details are provided on my first post "About me" 

We will all get through this together....  "We will all unite" One of the best speeches ever written!

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